


The Curious Crush of Bygone Island's Twin Tailed Fox

by Zelkova48



Series: The Saga of Bygone Island [2]
Category: Sonic - Fandom, Sonic Boom (Cartoon), Sonic the Hedgehog (Video Games), Sonic the Hedgehog - All Media Types
Genre: Action/Adventure, Awkwardness, Comedy, F/M, Funny, Romance, Sequel, Tail doesn't know how to act around girls, looking for dating advice
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:27:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28240125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zelkova48/pseuds/Zelkova48
Summary: Sequel to The Mating Ritual of Bygone Island's Jungle Badger. Tails's time as Sticks's unwitting captive revealed to him many thing, including her hidden love for him. Smitten by their time spent together, Tails has resolved to reciprocate the feeling. Join him as he descends into the rabbit hole that is romance, a strange and bizarre world he must navigate to be with the one he loves.
Relationships: Miles "Tails" Prower/Sticks the Badger
Series: The Saga of Bygone Island [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2068668
Comments: 8
Kudos: 9





	1. Way of the Sonic

The Lighting Bolt Society.

They would like to be presented as this villainous organization feared far and wide but that would be a gross lie. Sure, they may be ineffectual but never let it be said that they don't occasionally wreak havoc upon the village, albeit through sheer incompetence rather than masterful planning.

Case in point, half the village is currently on fire because of a prank, ahem, _plan_ gone horribly, horribly right.

What plan was that you might ask? Getting a good over the mayor by TPing the government building during his grand speech on raising taxes.

That'll show him who's in control of Hedgehog Village.

Unfortunately one of the toilet paper rolls missed its mark and beaned Fastidious Beaver in the head who in turn dropped his bologna sandwich, which was subsequently picked up by a seagull before the weight of said sandwich caused the thing to fly straight into a power line, frying the transformer and spraying sparks all over the place, setting the very, very flammable sheets of toilet paper alight.

It has been two minutes since all that happened.

Anarchy reigns.

"Oh, dear. Not again," grumbled Mayor Fink before bolting away from the scene. "Sonic! And friends. Help!"

"Well, you heard the man. Let's kick it into high gear, team." Sonic and the gang, who were present during the speech, immediately sprung into action, putting out the fires and rounding up the members of the Lightning Bolt Society.

"Look, guys. I don't like paying taxes as much as the next fellow, but without them how will we be able to pay for all our village's frivolous infrastructural needs?" asked Amy as she thwacked one of their mooks onto their butts with her hammer.

"This is more than just about taxes, it's about smashing the system and reigning over the ashes of a broken society as its new lord and master! Us: the Lightning Bolt Societ- Ugh!" The other nameless hooded mook didn't get a chance to finish his spiel as Sticks conked him over the head with her nun-chucks, knocking him out cold.

"Sheesh, what a nutcase," commented Sticks before letting out a shrill warcry and moving onto the next unfortunate punk standing in her way.

Meanwhile, Knuckles was duking it out with the Tree Spy, who showed a masterful display of skill in his tree costume, twirling his tree branches like they were daggers.

"Looks like you got the short end of the stick, pal!" the Tree Spy bellowed. He rushed forward and was quickly incapacitated by Knuckles grappling him in a bear hug and squeezing the air out of the guy like he was a giant tube of toothpaste.

"Ha, ha! Time for you to make like a tree, _and leave_!" Knuckles quipped as he turned the Tree Spy into an improvised club, clobbering scores of Lightning Bolt Society mooks like a chunky scythe cutting through wheat.

As Amy, Sticks and Knuckles took care of the Lightning Bolt Society, Sonic and Tails were hard at work putting out the fires. Sonic sped around town, buckets in hand extinguishing every flame he came across as Tails did the same from above. Before long, the fires were fully smoted and the Lightning Bolt Society were sent running with their tails between their legs.

"This isn't over! We'll be back, with more toilet paper!" Dave the Intern roared with his squeaky voice as he ran, shaking his fist in the air. "And next time, it'll be two ply! Two ply! Oh, man. I'm gonna be late for my shift."

"Alright. Everyone can come out of hiding now. The Loser Bolt Society are gone," Sonic announced, earning the gang a thunderous round of applause as they all came out of the woodworks.

"A spectacular performance as always you five," applauded the Mayor as he returned to his charred podium. "Where would we be without you?"

"Probably enslaved by Dr. Eggman and forced to live on an island controlled by him as he drains the life out of the environment one mechanical monstrosity at a time," Tails Deadpanned.

"And we sure are glad that isn't the case," chuckled Mayor Fink, which the crowd soon followed. "Anywho, back to the matter of raising taxes."

The mood of the crowd immediately took a complete turn and proceeded to boo the mayor into the ground. Mayor Fink's apparent struggle with public relations was the gang's cue to bolt from the scene.

* * *

"That guy was supposed to be our democratically elected leader? Yeesh, no wonder property values are down," said Sonic, trekking beside his friends.

"Don't look at me, I didn't vote for him," replied Amy.

"You know, now that I think about it, was there actually an election held when Mayor Fink was elected into office?" Tails inquired.

"There was a vote?" Knuckles looked perplexed. "Who was the other candidate?"

"I'm sure there's some dirt on him," said Sticks. "Politicians like him are never squeaky clean. That's what happens when you're the _man_."

"Everything is the _man_ to you, Sticks," Sonic remarked dryly.

"That's because it's true," Sticks doubled down. "When are you sheeple gonna learn we're not in control of our lives. Free will is an illusion maintained by the Woodcarvers to keep us in the dark about their dealing with our aliens overlords."

"What? The _Black Arms_ you keep bringing up?" Amy raised an eyebrow. "That's just a myth, Sticks."

"I'm not referring to the _Black Arms_. I'm talking about _Wisps_. They're the ones you gotta look out for. They're probably up there right now looking down on us, watching our every move. Planning for the new world order."

"Okay, sure. Whatever you say, Sticks," dismissed Amy with a roll of her eyes.

Tails sighed heavily and muttered something inaudible beneath his breath. " _I can't believe I've decided to hitch my wagon with this woman_." He groaned and rolled his shoulders, turning to whisper something to Sonic. "Hey, uh, Sonic?"

"Speak up, bud. You don't gotta whisper around me," replied Sonic.

"I know, but... It's about that _thing_ we were talking about."

"Oh..." Sonic blinked. "The _thing_. The _thing_ we talked about.

"Yeah, the _thing_ we talked about. The _thing_ I kind of want to keep on the down low."

"Right, that _thing_. The _thing_ we're currently discussing."

"That's the thing. I want to talk about the _thing_."

"Are we whispering _things_ now?" Knuckles added out of the blue, causing the two to reel back in surprise.

"Knuckles, dude. Heard of a thing called privacy?" Sonic chided.

"Ah, come on. You can't blame me for being curious," replied Knuckles. "So, what's this _thing_ about?"

"...Should we tell him?" Sonic asked Tails.

"Ugh, I guess there's no point in hiding it from him," Tails shrugged. "Knuckles, Sonic is teaching me how to romantically approach a woman."

"Pfft..." Knuckles stifled a laugh, his face one of mischief and immaturity. Eventually he just burst out laughing, drawing the attention of the girls.

"Hey, what's so funny?" asked Amy.

Knuckles wiped a tear from his eye. "Tails is asking Sonic of all people for dating advice."

"And what's wrong with that?!" Sonic snapped angrily.

"Aside from the fact you haven't got a romantic bone in your entire spiky blue body?" Amy deadpanned sharply.

"I do too! The ladies can't get enough of this!" Sonic gestured to himself and began posing to prove his point. "I'm a charismatic casanova."

"More like the blue buffoon," Sticks quipped, eliciting a giggle from Amy's lips.

"Uh, guys?" Tails called out meekly but was largely ignored by the argument bubbling in front of him.

"Oh, like any of you can do better," Sonic argued.

"The methods of the jungle are tried and true, so yeah, I think I can do better," said Sticks, folding her arms. "He should've come to me for advice."

"Or, me," Amy added. "There's no one with more intimate knowledge over the inner workings of romance on this island than me."

"N-no, no. That's okay," Tails chuckled nervously, swallowing the lump forming in his throat. "Uh, I think me and Sonic are gonna go do our _thing_ already. You guys can enjoy the rest of your day doing whatever it is you do in your spare time. Cool? Okay, bye."

He turned tail and sprinted away from the scene as fast as he could with Sonic following suit. The situation had spiraled out of control and they couldn't be more glad to get away from there, rude as it was to dash away without a second thought.

"Well, that couldn't have gone any worse," Tails muttered.

"Relax, buddy. After I teach you the ways of the Sonic, you'll be chasing tail in no time," assured Sonic.

"Forgive me for withholding my enthusiasm."

"I'm telling you, sixty percent of the time the way of the Sonic works all the time."

"That doesn't even make sense mathematically!"

"The way of the Sonic transcends your petty numbers and mathematical formulas." Sonic flashed a cheeky grin.

"Ugh..." Tails groaned, bringing a hand up to his face.

* * *

Back at Sonic's beachside shack Tails's long and arduous journey along the way of the Sonic proved to be an unusual trip into a world beyond his mortal comprehension.

As it turns out, speaking to women romantically was completely different than speaking to someone like Amy. There was a fine line to tread, all words spoken have double meaning and the slightest lapse in concentration could cause things to end disastrously. Truly it was a difficult world to navigate, fraught with danger and intrigue at every corner.

...At least that's how Tails's personal interpretation of things were.

Most of Sonic's advice and demonstration boiled down to one thing: the fastest way to a girl's heart was to pretend that you didn't care at all.

In other words: **nihilism**.

...At least that's how Tails's personal interpretation of things were.

"Well, that's everything you need to know about dating in a nutshell," said Sonic. "Any questions?"

"Yeah, I've got one," said Comedy Chimp, who was wearing a dress and lipstick next to Sonic, a grumpy expression on his face. "Why haven't I fired my agent yet?"

Thus begins Tails's descent into the rabbit hole that is love.

Strap yourselves in everybody. This is gonna be a bumpy ride.


	2. Acceptance of the Meaningless

T.W. Barker.

That name has a sort of reputation behind it, and not the good kind. The conniving conwolf was back in the village and already he was up to his old schemes again.

His latest con?

Introducing: T.W. Barker's Wondertainment _**Fidgetmathingy**_! (Patent Pending)

What is a fidgetmathingy you might ask? Why it can be anything you put your mind to! You know, for a carved wooden whatsit in the shape of a who-the-heck-knows. But it was painted in fun colors and was collectible! Being sold in blind boxes in limited quantities made the villagers froth at the mouth demanding one despite not knowing what it does or why its being charged at such exorbitant prices.

The scam had been a complete success and the conniving wolf practically had the entire village in the palm of his hand considering he supplied the fidgetmathingies. Not only that, his scheme had the unfortunate effect of creating a secondary economy. Fidgetmathingies were a hot commodity, so much so that they've become a form of alternate currency in place of rings. To further expand on that, they were also treated as a status symbol.

Case in point, Amy Rose currently sits in the center of the village square atop a golden throne surrounded by towering mounds of fidgetmathingies, a wreath around her head and a look of smug superiority on her face. As the Empress of Hedgehog Village she was currently the most powerful person in the village, second only to T.W. Barker and his massive soul sucking fidgetmathingy factory who acted more as the shadowy puppet master pulling everyone's strings.

The pink hedgehog sat one leg over the other exuding this commanding aura over all the other villagers, who prostrated themselves before her with their own fidgetmathingies in hand hoping to curry favors from the Master of Mobians.

You see, she who controls the fidgetmathingies controls the village.

Amy had it all. Completed sets of series one, two and three including all the unique fidgetmathingy variants and both the seasonal and convention exclusives. Not only that, she had pre-ordered an entire box of fidgetmathingies from the soon to be released series four line, cementing her place as the Master of Mobians. No one would dare challenge her rule and impressive collection of fidgetmathingies.

She was the ultimate authority on all things the village provided and had the final say whether or not they could have it. If people wanted something, say essential goods and services for example, they would need to offer tribute to Amy who would deliberate before making her decision. If the tributes were acceptable, she would approve the request. If they were below her expectations, she'd deny them.

The flow of fidgmetmathingy began and ended with her.

For T.W. Barker, he wouldn't have it any other way. His unsightly factory was built and operated on the backs of desperate villagers looking to score some fidgetmathingies for themselves which continued to fuel the secondary economy. All the while that covetous wolf pilfered the villagers of their valuables one gullible schmuck at a time. The process was disastrous and needed to be stopped.

It was up to what remained of Sonic and his team to end this madness once and for all and to return the village back to its underwhelming ways.

* * *

"Amy!" Sonic called out as he and the team entered the village square. They waded through the crowds of groveling villagers, staring up in awe at Amy as she lounged back in her golden throne enjoying a manicure from Orbot of all characters. She was being fanned with palm fronds by a collection of retainers, two on each side cooling off their Empress and another feeding her fresh grapes straight from the vine.

Amy raised her head from her knuckles, casting a wry smile at her friends. "Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, Sticks. How nice of you to stand before your Empress. Have you come with offerings? Perhaps you'd like a meal down at the Meh Burger. For a few fidgetmathingies I can make it possible. And as my closest friends I can pull a few strings or two to get you something extra on the side."

"Amy, this is gone too far," rebuked Sonic, pointing an accusatory finger at Amy. "You get like this every single time there's a fad. Remember goofy hats? You wore that dumb sombrero upside down for days and stockpiled headwear like they were going out of style. Which they did! And now, we've been reduced to a semi feudal society runned by a corrupt despot that uses the barter system all because you couldn't get over your fear-of-missing-out."

"How could I resist, Sonic?" replied Amy, presenting a special edition glow in the dark fidgetmathingy. "I don't know what they do, but I think they're kind of neat. And since I've owned all the ones available, that makes me Empress of Hedgehog Village, the Master of Mobians!"

"But look at what you're doing to everyone," said Knuckles.

"Yeah, look at what you've got that round robo Orbot doing for Pete's sake," argued Sticks.

"Personally, this has been the most engaging experience I've had ever since Dr. Eggman traded me and Cubot for a polka dotted limited release fidgetmathingy," replied Orbot, making sure Amy's nails were polished to the nth degree.

"I'm a coffee table!" Cubot announced nearby. "Amy told me I'm doing a great job. That's the highlight of my career."

"I'm just here because I wanted to feel included," said Fastidious Beaver.

"And I'm here because I've got a great gig going on as the Empress's court jester. Ha-cha-cha!" quipped Comedy Chimp shortly before juggling oranges and cracking jokes. "Why don't oysters donate to charity? Because they're shellfish! Bazinga!"

"...I don't get it," said Knuckles.

"See, they don't mind," Amy smiled a fox's smirk. "And neither does Tails it seems." She pointed down to Tails, who for some reason was dressed in a dark suit with his hair combed over and had a comically oversized moustache glued above his lip.

"He who has the ' _why_ ' to live can bear almost any ' _how_ '," said Tails in a gruff voice.

"...Yeah, he's been doing that for a while now and I just don't understand any of the fancy mumbo jumbo that comes out of his mouth," said Sticks, scratching at her head.

"Really? He seems normal to me," said Knuckles. "I mean, he just keeps spouting smart sounding stuff like he always does."

"He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze long into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you," said Tails with a wiggle of his scruffy stache.

"See? Good ol' Tails speaking fluently in the language of Eggheads. Not that I could understand french."

"Anywho!" Sonic interrupted. "Amy, it's time to end this madness. You've got to release everyone from this whole schtick so we can go and put the kibosh on Barker's sinister plan! He's been robbing us blind while you've all been going gaga over a bunch of worthless wooden paperweights! If we don't do something soon we won't have anything left worth keeping."

"That which does not kill us only makes us stronge-" Tails started but was immediately shushed by Sonic.

"Tails, not now!"

"Actually, it's just _Miles_ now," replied Tails, now calling himself Miles. "I have peered into the philosophy of nihilism and have come to the conclusion that all life is meaningless. Why should I struggle against the inevitable when everything I do amounts to little more than a handful of 'good jobs' and 'thank yous.' Nothing is real but what we make real. God remains dead and we have murdered him."

"..."

An awkward silence that overtook the square. Amy's retainer stopped what they were doing and stared at Miles like he had grown a second head. Then as quickly as the awkwardness began Sonic waved off his best friend's sudden turn in personality and got back to addressing the real issue.

"Amy, before Tails, er, I mean Miles, goes onto another spiel about the pointlessness of it all, can you just get up off the throne and help us stop Barker?" Sonic asked.

"That depends," Amy raised an eyebrow at her friends. "Do you have the appropriate tribute for me to grant you such a request?"

Team Sonic traded confused glances amongst themselves. They patted themselves down, looking for anything to offer up. Ironic given that only Miles and Sticks had clothes on, and Sticks's skirt didn't even have pockets.

"Uh, I've got this twig I found in my hair," Sticks offered.

"I still got that big emerald I found, will that work?" asked Knuckles.

"I can only offer you advice," said Miles. "No one can construct for you the bridge which precisely you must cross the stream of life, no one but you yourself alone."

"Hmm, let me see," Amy pursed her lips and knitted her brow. "Nope. Not interested. Guards! Seize them!" She commanded as a group of robed individuals surrounded Team Sonic, crude wooden spears at the ready.

"The Empress has ordered you dissidents be detained!" Dave the Intern declared with a crack of his voice.

"Oh, come on! The Lightning Bolt Society?!" Sonic groaned. "You're on her payroll?"

"She promised us a place in her new society," said Mook number one.

"And the seasonal exclusive holiday themed fidgetmathingy," said Mook number two. "That's the only one we need left to complete the seasonal fidgetmathingy set."

"This is an outrage! A gross abuse of power! What are our charges?!" Sticks shouted angrily.

"You're guilty!" replied Amy.

"Of what?" Knuckles looked bemused.

"Of wasting my time!"

"Oh, for the love of," Sonic smacked a hand over his face, looking fed up with just about everything that's happened in the past week. Sighing heavily, he turned towards Amy, his expression stony. "I guess there's no other choice. I gotta take one for the team, even though I really don't want to," he said resolutely, standing up straight and squaring his shoulders.

"Amy, in exchange for having you halt this short sighted display of despotism, abolishing the fidgetmathingy barter system and helping us stop T.W. Barker and his fidgetmathingy factory, I, Sonic 'Maurice' Hedgehog, promise to..." He gritted his teeth, forcing the words to come out of his throat as if they were made of broken glass. " _Listen to you talk. About. Your. Day._ "

Amy's eyebrow shot up in intrigue and she raised a hand to halt the Lightning Bolt Society's advance. They complied with the gesture, lowering their spears as a result.

"An interesting bargain," she mused, bringing a hand to her chin and looking deep in thought. "In exchange for all that, you're willing to sit by and listen to me talk about every single thing I've done today? All of it? With absolutely zero complaints?"

"Well. Okay, maybe not everything-" Sonic mumbled but a swift punch from Knuckles to his arm and the threat of a staff to the head by Sticks quickly changed his tune. "Ugh, fine. _Everything_."

"Sometimes people don't want to hear the truth because they don't want their illusions destroyed," Miles added.

" _Not. Helping_ ," Sonic muttered through gritted teeth.

"Wonderful!" Amy beamed, dropping her authoritarian facade. "I've got lots to unload and it'll be nice to have someone hear me out." Sonic groaned audibly at the mention. "But before that..." She turned to her loyal subjects and bellowed a decree.

"My people! The time has come for us to take destiny into our own hands! The fidgetmathingy has hypnotized us! Made us their unwitting pawns in a cruel game of greed. It has but one source: T.W. Barker's factory! It's time we dismantle it and break the chains he's imposed upon us! Go now and free yourselves from the shackles of materialism and reclaim your home! This is the decree of your Empress! Ave Mobius!"

"Ave Mobius! For the Empress!" The crowd responded in uproarious unity and began to storm the factory en masse.

"Wow, talk about being easily manipulated," said Sonic.

"That's not really news to anyone," quipped Sticks.

"Well, it was nice being supreme ruler for a while. A girl's gotta let her hair down sometimes, you know?" said Amy, stepping off the throne. "But gold is uncomfortable and lacks lumbar support." She walked over to the steps and reclaimed her hammer, hefting it over her shoulder and shooting a mischievous grin towards everybody. "So, with that out of the way. How about we go and give that wily wolf what for?"

Knuckles cracked his knuckles in anticipation. "Do you really need to ask?"

"Blessed are the forgetful, for they get the better even of their blunder," Miles commented.

"...Okay, once this is all over you and I are going to have a chat about this, _Miles_. If that is your real name," said Sticks, narrowing her eyes towards Miles.

* * *

The villagers invaded Barker's factory like a tidal wave of angry consumers. They crashed against the doors, prying it open and storming inside as they tore apart the machines that had upended their lives and reclaimed their true riches.

T.W. Barker watched with teeth grinding fury from atop the factory's foreman office as all his hard work was being systematically dismantled by the very people he had conned out of their valuables. Cursing beneath his breath, he gathered what little treasures he and his circus bears could carry into their wagon and quickly made a break for it, only to have Sonic and the team come bursting in at the last second to rain on his parade.

"Hold it right there, Barker!" Sonic announced, taking an aggressive stance. "Your days of doling out dull drek are done for, you dastardly deceptive dog. You're going down!"

"Nice alliteration," commented Miles.

"Thanks, I've been working on that one since this whole debacle started."

"I loaned him my thesaurus," Sticks added, readying her staff.

"Ha! This overt operation of yours is over because of an obvious oversight you obtuse oafs!" Barker barked back with his own alliteration, gesturing to his loyal retinue of highly trained circus bears. "Bears! Bash these bumbling buffoons back and break us free! So says, T.W. Barker!" The bears roared in a frenzy and dropped the loot as they flung themselves into the fray.

"Grr, stop using big words!" Knuckle roared before slamming into one of the bears with the full force of his bulk, pinning them to the wall and conking them over the head with a swift slam of his hand, knocking them out in an instant. "Ha! So much for being a bad news bear! Oh, yeah! Knuckles with the killer one liners. That ones going in the book."

Sticks and Miles joined forces against the second bear, their fancy footwork let them dance circles around the brute as he struggled to land a clean blow on his assailants.

"Come on, I've know rabbits tougher than you!" Sticks taunted just as Miles picked her up in the air and flung her towards the second circus bear, bo staff in hand. She thwacked the poor schmo with all her might, sending him flying back against the wall and rendering him unconscious. The two shared a curt high five after relishing in their victory.

"Good show, Sticks. Bully, I say!" said Miles.

"...Is this going to be a thing from now on? Because I really don't like it," replied Sticks, frowning.

"O-oh. You don't?" Miles deflated. "I'll... I guess it's not working out."

"What is?"

"N-nothing." Tails turned away, hiding his reddening cheek.

"It's over, Barker!" Amy shouted, hammer raised overhead. "You're finished."

"Miss Rose. You were the most powerful individual this village had ever seen. You had every fidgetmathingy imaginable, that made you supreme ruler," Barker crooned. "Why have you given up such a magnanimous position to thwart me? You had everyone in the palm of your hand!"

"Correction, _you_ had everyone in the palm of _your_ hand," she retorted. "Besides, I was given something far better than a collection of wooden doodads."

"What could possibly have swayed you from the allure of blind box collectibles?"

"Well, Sonic here promised to listen to me talk about my day."

"Oh, why don't you just go ahead and tell the entire world, Amy!" snapped Sonic.

"Ha! You're whipped, Sonic the Hedgehog," Barker mocked as he pulled out his whip. "Both in the figurative and literal sense!" He let loose the whip in a single smooth motion. A deafening crack rippled through the air as it lashed towards Sonic. But before the attack could find purchase, Amy jumped in front of Sonic, catching the whip as it wrapped around the haft of her hammer and yanking it away from Barker's hand.

Barker barely got the chance to grimace before a rolling blue ball of pain ran straight into his abdomen, knocking the wind out of him and sending him careening onto the floor in a crumpled heap. Sonic bounced back from the hit and landed beside Amy with a smirk on his face.

"Curses! Foiled by a bunch of uncouth ruffians!" Barker bellowed one last time before passing out.

"Finally. That's the end of that," said Sonic, dusting off his hands. "Man, if I ever saw another wooden paperweight it'll be too soon."

"I still don't get why people were so obsessed with these things," said Sticks, examining one of the prototypes in Barkers office. "I make better junk using real junk. Wait... What if these things all contain miniature mind control devices!"

"Highly unlikely, Sticks," said Miles. "Everyone was just easily swayed by Barker's aggressive sales tactics and predatory marketing practices."

"What? No more fancy speeches, Miles?" Sonic asked.

"Actually, it's Tails again. And no. No more fancy speeches. Miles ' _the nihilist_ ' Prowler didn't exactly work out the way I'd planned it" said Miles, now back to being Tails.

"Well, I'm glad to hear that, buddy. You were starting to give me existential dread. What made you act like that anyway?"

"You did," said Tails. "This was what I learned on the way of the Sonic."

"Really?" Sonic looked perplexed. "I don't remember teaching you any of that."

"Wasn't this what you meant when you said act like you don't care?"

"I meant play it cool, not act like we're all specks of dust in the grand scheme of things."

"Well, how the heck was I supposed to know that? The demonstration with Comedy Chimp wasn't exactly comprehensive."

Sonic opened his mouth to retort but paused when he realized Tails had a valid point. "...Okay, you got me there."

"Well, well, well," Knuckles butted in after tying up all the thugs. "Guess Sonic's advice wasn't all that great after all, just like I said it was. Tails, listen here. If you want to know how to put the moves on the ladies, let your good pal Knuckles show you how it's done."

"Well, I could use more lessons," said Tails. "And gathering data is always a worthy endeavor. You know what? I'll take you up on that offer, Knuckles."

"Great! Meet up by my spot in the jungle tomorrow morning and be prepared to walk the path of a true man. With your head up high and your insecurities down low."

"Tails, are you sure taking dating advice from Knuckles is a good idea?" asked Sonic.

"I don't think Tails is playing with a full deck to begin with if he took dating advice from you first," quipped Amy, earning a low grumble from Sonic. Rolling her eyes she turned to address Tails, "Tails, if you wanna know how to properly talk to women, talk to a woman. Like _me_. A refined and elegant lady. When things go pear shaped at Knuckles's, you know where to find me. Then maybe you'll actually learn something useful."

"More data to gather, this is more than I can ask for!" Tails exclaimed excitedly.

"Something tells me you're going to need it," said Amy before looping an arm around Sonic's own and pulling him away. "Now, I believe it's time you held up your end of the bargain. Clean out those ears because I'm gonna start filling em' up."

"Ugh," Sonic groaned but complied regardless. "Maybe having her rule the village with an iron glove wasn't such a bad idea. Oh, well. At least there aren't anymore fidgetmathingies."

"Pfft, I'm over that fad," said Amy before pulling out a sombrero and placed it on her head upside down. "Because the thing I wanted to tell is that goofy hats are making a comeback!"

"NOOOOOO!" Sonic fell to his knees and screamed to the heavens, hoping an uncaring god somewhere would hear his cries of anguish and take pity on his soul.

* * *

**"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness."**

**\- Friedrich Nietzsche**


	3. Strength of the Meek

Knuckles's home in the jungle was about as minimalist as it gets here on the island. Home for him meant having a hammock tied between two palm trees and a large sun umbrella to shield him from the sun and rain. It was by no means luxurious but given how mercurial the echidna could be this pseudo nomadic lifestyle was more than fitting for him. And hey, there's free food growing all around the jungle. What more could a guy ask for?

Lately however he's been thinking about putting some roots down. While he was still deciding which spot would be best for his permanent home it was clear that all the stuff he had accrued over the years needed a place to be stored and his friends were getting tired of their places being used as a rent free storage locker. Regardless, what mattered now was helping Tails on ' _picking up the chicks_ ,' and the middle of the jungle was the best place to be.

That way no one can see him fail horribly in broad daylight.

Tails had arrived at Knuckles's pad, as he refers to it, during the early morning bright eyed and bushy tailed, eager to learn. His attempt to woo Sticks the day before with his nihilistic persona had ended in total failure. Worse, he might've earned a bit of her ire and suspicion because of it. But that was all going to change soon, because under Knuckles's tutelage and his acquired knowledge of the way of the Sonic, Tails will be able to win Stick's heart.

_...At least in theory_.

"Glad you could make it, Tails," said Knuckles. He got off his hammock and gave Tails a strong pat on the back. "Welcome to mi casa, that's Jewish for comfy hammock in the jungle."

"Actually that's, you know what? Sure, Knuckles. That's what it means," replied Tails, not wanting to hurt his brain correcting Knuckles's logic, or lack thereof, so early in the morning. "So, what's today's lesson?"

"Easy there, hombre. First things first, we gotta see what you're made of."

"Uh, internal organs, bones and fur?" Tails replied quizzically.

Knuckle's frowned at the response. "That's not what I meant." He handed him a large concrete dumbbell. "Here, hold onto this."

Tails leaned forward and grabbed onto the dumbbell with both hands. The moment Knuckles let go Tails came crashing down onto the jungle floor.

"Ah!" yelled Tails. "This thing weighs a ton!"

"Hmm... This might be an issue," said Knuckles, bringing a hand up to his chin.

"Ya think?!"

"Well, let's see how far you can go before writing this off. Try lifting it up."

"Alright, I'll see what I can do," said Tails. He picked himself up and crouched down, grabbing onto the dumbbell firmly. He then lifted with all the might he could muster in his noodly arms, straining his muscles and turning his face a deep shade of blue.

"Remember, lift with your legs," Knuckles reminded.

"I'm! Ugh! Trying!" Tails huffed in between breaths. Through grit and sheer determination he actually managed to lift the heavy slab. First off the ground, then up to his chest. "H-hey! I'm doing it! I-I'm really doing it!"

"You're doing it!" Knuckles cheered. "You're really doing it!"

Tails's ecstatic pride immediately shifted into wide eyed panic, however, when he felt his weight suddenly shift backwards. "Whu-oh."

The dumbbell, with a little help from gravity, forced him to fall over backwards. The fall itself was slow and deliberate, culminating into a loud thump as the poor fox felt the air eject from his lungs and out his mouth the moment the dumbbell collapsed atop his chest. He laid on the ground helpless, flailing his legs about in a futile display.

"Can't... Breathe..." Tails uttered raspily. "Knuckles... Heeeelp..."

"Okay. I think I see the problem here." Knuckles walked over and effortlessly lifted the dumbbell off of Tails's chest, who then immediately began to greedily suck in oxygen as if the very atmosphere was dissipating. "So yeah, it looks like lifting weights isn't your thing."

"Was that important to the lesson?" Tails asked as he stood back up.

"Kinda. You see, women love tough guys. Like me," Knuckles pointed to himself. "Yup, nothing gets the ladies squealing like a nice big slice of beefcake with a side order of sexy." He began to flaunt his impressive physique to demonstrate his point, making Tails feel quite inadequate in the process.

The fox lifted up his own arm and frowned. Knuckles could wrap his index finger and thumb around his spindly bicep and still have space to spare.

"Ah, don't be so down about it, Tails. You don't get this jacked," Knuckles continued to flex his muscles during his speech, "without putting in the effort. So you've still got time to bulk up. I'd suggest starting with free weights before moving onto bench pressing. Focus on core workouts."

"Not that I don't trust your expertise on weight lifting, Knuckles. But there must be more to this than muscles?" Tails inquired.

"Sure there is!" Knuckles beamed. "You see, girls love the tough guy. Mister macho man, if you catch my drift?"

"Like the main characters of action movies?" Tails surmised.

"Exactly. If you can't be buff, you can be bold. Work on that and you'll get yourself to fifth base in no time flat."

"Don't you mean fourth base?" Tails raised a brow in confusion.

Knuckles let out a hearty laugh and patted Tails on the head. "Oh, you innocent flower child. You have much to learn."

* * *

The next few days with Knuckles was spent on studying the very concept of machismo. And by studying machismo of course it meant having an action movie marathon with the boys, copious consumption of red meat (the redder the better) and training montages set to uplifting rock music. Slowly but surely everyone's favorite gangly gadgeteer was being molded into a man.

A man who could open pickle jars, shave, does taxes and has good credit.

And so, after several hours of punching raw meat (tenderizing steaks for protein), running up the steps of town hall (gotta work on that cardio) and drinking raw eggs in a glass (which resulted in a terrible case of food poisoning), Tails could feel himself exceed heights of machismo that he hadn't felt since his criminally short time as a bassist of the hit rock band: Dude-itude.

The end result of all this macho nonsense was a slightly more confident Tails with a mullet dressed in jorts.

Currently he was with the gang at Sonic's shack during their weekly cookout. He stood shoulder to shoulder with Knuckles, his chest puffed out in a blatant, if mistaken, display of masculinity.

"Alright, little buddy. Time to show them the veggies of your labour. Tails! What are you!" Knuckles demanded.

"I'm a man!" Tails proclaimed proudly.

"Say it again!"

"I'm a man!" Tails repeated.

"Louder!" Knuckles encouraged.

"I'M A MAN!" Tails roared with an audible crack of his voice.

"So he says," quipped Sticks, eliciting a giggle from Amy.

"Hey, man," Sonic muttered disinterestedly, walking up to him with a jar of crinkle cut pickles in hand. "Think you can open this up for the burgers?"

"Oh, boy. Here we go." Amy rolled her eyes.

"Let the _man_ handle it!" Tails declared and reached for the jar. He placed his hand on top of the lid and attempted to open it. He torqued with all his might. Sweat beaded on his forehead as he bit down on his lip and strained his muscles all to access the green pickled goodness within the jar.

"Come on, Tails. Be a man!" Knuckles cheered. "Remember all those montages we did!"

"Huack! I'm... Trying!" Tails choked out between breaths. He paused for a minute to catch his breath, then immediately tried again with similar results. For all the strength he could muster within his skinny body it wasn't enough to make the lid give way. Before long he let go of the lid and looked on sheepishly as his failure was made apparent for all to see. He chuckled dryly and cracked a lopsided grin. "Maybe if I tapped a knife under the lid?"

"Huh, so much for your tough guy tactic, Knuckles." Sonic grinned smugly.

"Oh, and Tails ' _all life is meaningless_ ' Prower was so much better," retorted Knuckles.

"Lemme try." Sticks walked over and grabbed the pickle jar out of his hand. She placed her hand on the lid and effortlessly turned it. With a pop and a hiss, the jar of pickles was open. Tails could only stare dumbfoundedly as she handed the pickle jar over to Sonic. "Here ya go, Sonic."

"Thanks, Sticks," replied Sonic. "Alright, how do you guys want your burgers?"

Tails let out a heavy sigh. "...Medium rare."

"Medium rare? Hmm, an aristocrat," joked Sonic.

As Sonic tended to the food, Tails trudged over to Amy, ruffling away his mullet and planting his tush down beside her on the picnic table. It was clear that Knuckle's advice wasn't for him and he needed another plan effective immediately.

"Amy, I think I'll take you up on that dating advice offer," muttered Tails.

"That's wonderful!" Amy beamed. "We'll start tomorrow afternoon. Bring a notepad with you. We've got lots to cover. Hold on. I got to savor this moment." She took a bite from her own meal. "Mmm... The only thing better than a perfectly cooked burger is knowing that I was right the whole time."

"Yay..." Sonic grumbled.


End file.
